Being responsible for a Monkey? What the heck am I talking about? Well let me explain. I was out for dinner the other day with some of my girlfriends. One of them is a mental health nurse and I am truly fascinated with the work she does. We were talking about what people were looking for when they seek help in one way or another, and the danger of it turning into a codependent situation.
She introduced me to the phrase “I don’t want your monkey” and my immediate reaction was to laugh, but as she explained it made total sense, and so I am adopting it and telling people about it everywhere.
Essentially it means this. A person enters a Coaching space and says “here, these are my problems, you need to solve them for me”…they have essentially handed over their own monkey for you to manage. Which now starts leaping about all over the place, and you’re now trying to manage that one as well as you’re own. Because, I don’t care how much personal development work a person has done, they will still have a monkey of their own.
The hard truth is this. It is not a Coaches job, a therapists job, a spouses job, or a friends job to solve your problems for you. Its yours and yours alone.
Its not the job of another human being to give you the answer to your biggest questions, because *news flash* you already know what the answer is, you just don’t want to face it. Perhaps because its not the answer you want. Perhaps because it requires too much effort, or perhaps because you know people may judge you for it.
But the answers are there.
Besides, if you’re 100% honest with yourself, and I mean 100% and not 99% you don’t want anyone else to give you the answers. We’ve grown so accustomed to listening to other peoples opinions, that we’ve started to completely ignore our own. Me giving you an answer is based on me, it isn’t based on you, brilliant, wonderful, limitless you…by the way I would love it if you could start talking to yourself in a way that reflects those things…thank you!
You might then be thinking “well why the hell would I hire you then?’
Honestly, because you wont do the work on your own. Thats exactly why I have a Coach, and probably will for the rest of my life. Left to our own devices we will take the easy route, continuing ignoring that thing because it doesn’t feel great, justify to ourselves that actually we’re okay and are making mountains out of molehills, and constantly let ourselves off the hook.
I wrote a post the other day about self – love being more than “me time” and making that weekly pilates class. Its about calling yourself out on your own bullshit.
Thats where I come in. As a Coach my role is to help you to peel back layers, uncover falsehoods in your story line, and challenge you on rigid unhelpful beliefs. My job is to hold the space for you, to allow you to feel heard, but to keep you accountable and give you a loving kick up the butt when you aren’t doing the work. To not let you take the easy route out.
Your best friend might say “oh its okay, don’t worry about it”, but a Coach isn’t your best friend. I care about all of the people that work with me, I want them to start recognising their worth, shuffling towards their dreams, and freeing themselves of the chains of other peoples assumptions. But I am not going to let you stay stuck.
If I am feeling down, and my husband gives me a big hug, it feels amazing, safe, warm and like I am completely protected.
It promotes zero action
If I am feeling down, and he says to me “so what are you going to do about it, because right now, you’re just moping”
It spurs me into action immediately
Do you see the difference?
So you can keep your monkey, and I’ll help you to understand it, give it what it needs, and set you free in the process.