In a client session this week, the topic of divorce came up. It was met with resistance & with fear…seen as a bad thing.
Why? Because the way we view marriage is all wrong. Being married for 10, 20, 50, 60 years does not equate to a healthy & happy marriage, but length of time seems to be at the top of the list when it comes to measuring marital success.
It doesn’t matter that you are miserable together, it doesn’t matter that your sex life upped and left years ago, it doesn’t matter that you both feel frustrated, angry, resentful. It doesn’t matter that you’ve turned into each other’s favourite verbal punch bag. It doesn’t matter that you can’t remember any of the reasons why you are together. It only matters that you keep on racking up the years right?
Wrong…that is so f’d up. Our whole view of marriage is the problem here, add to that your beliefs around divorce and you will run in the opposite direction at the mere mention of it.
How about a part of a healthy marriage being two people recognising when they need help to get back on track, how about a part of a healthy marriage being able to say “we’re not where we want to be, but we want to try & get there”, how about a part of a healthy marriage being two people that know they’ve tried their best, but also know it’s time to part.
No guilt, no shame, no failure.
Happily Ever After is a lovely sentiment, and I genuinely wish that for everyone in a relationship, but don’t let that Disney phrase that you heard as a child dictate how you live your lives together.
Marriage is special, it’s beautiful & it’s also work, vulnerability, facing the crap stuff, and honouring the truth that you aren’t where you want to be and courageously taking steps to get to where that is.
Nobody is denying the pain and sadness of an ending, but there can be beauty in it too. Divorce isn’t the enemy, denial of the truth is the enemy, the damage doer. There can be a whole lot of love in separation & divorce.