Lets talk about sex and shame shall we?
There is still a huge stigma around asking for help. Its seen as a sign of weakness which is so f*cked up its unreal. If you’ve hurt your back you’ll go to phsyio or a chiropractor. At the very least you’ll go to your Doctor. You wont suffer with it continually because thats too painful.
But when there is something hurting in your heart or mind. You’ll sit on your hands and ignore it, and keep on ignoring it until its so embedded in who you are that you tell yourself you can’t now be without it. *heart breaks a little*
Its a layer of shame being spread all over your life and its not helping you at all.
Shame is a monumental road block if you give it that much power, and so I am going to tell you something about my life which is going to get you starting to feel a bit freer when it comes to shame.
Since the birth of my son, our sex life has taken a back seat. Yes that is largely due to sleep deprivation, and when it comes to getting in a few more zzzz’s or getting busy with the hubby, I choose option 1 most of the time.
But there is something else going on. Something that I never saw coming, and something that could smother me in shame if I let it.
I no longer feel sexy a lot of the time. I no longer feel like I am desirable despite my husbands reassurance. More than anything I feel conflicted between Mum and wife and find it hard to get in the zone.
Ironically, we are now expecting kiddo number 2, they are due in September and so this challenge has become less of a priority. BUT, I have told the hubby that when baby has arrived and we’ve found our bearings within that new dynamic, I want us to go and have some sessions with a Sex Coach.
** Just to be clear, a Sex Coach does not get physically involved in your relationship. They simply give you the headspace and a safe environment that allows you to work through the blocks in your mind**
I’m doing this because I want to enjoy our sex life, the same as I want to enjoy all the other areas of my life.
I want that for both of us.
When I was stuck in a crappy career and burdened with relationship issues I worked with a Life Coach.
Now, there is an area of our married life, and of my own personally that needs a light shining on it, and so I will do whatever it takes to work through that.
Do I feel an ounce of shame for it? Absolutely not.
Why? Because it shows that I give enough of a shit about our marriage to want to work through this. I value who I am and who we are as a couple enough to recognise that we need outside help.
Do I feel scared that asking for help means we are in trouble? No. The truth is that NOT asking for help and burying our heads in the sand would lead us into trouble. Reaching out and saying “hey, we need an outsiders guidance” is a powerful, positive and very adult thing to do.
There is ZERO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. I’m saying that louder for the people at the back.
I know that admitting there is a relationship in your life thats gone off piste a bit can be scary. Be that the relationship wth yourself, your spouse, your Mum or your best friend. You fear the judgement of others. But you don’t have to tell a soul (other than the person you are asking for help). Same as if you go to the Doctors, you don’t have to call a group meeting of your nearest and dearest and give them a full blown report. You just book an appointment and go, and then you can feel better and move on with your life.
The Ostrich approach does not work. I would say believe me, but my guess is that deep down you know that already. You do don’t you?
Think about what it is that you are currently challenged with and ask yourself honestly “Why am I still not asking for help with this?”
The more important question is “What is your silence & avoidance costing you?”.
You know the answer to that to, and that can be scary as well.
But the thing you are scared to say out loud is the thing that I have heard before in many different ways, its the thing that I wont bat an eyelid at, because its yours and its valid, and I feel honoured to receive it.
Please, please don’t let shame be the winner here. Don’t let pride be the thing that you fall over.
Right now set the intention that this week you are going to ask for the help you need.
The waiting will go on FOREVER if you let it.
My sex life is a mess, and I am going to do the work to set it back on the right path again. Now, I am very much the open book (thats fairly obvious) and I happily share this stuff with my friends because it feels like a rebellious and powerful thing to do, and there are very few feelings better than that.
If its me that you need to help you work through a relationship block, then I am ready and waiting.